How to Apologize

Why do some apologies feel so hollow? Sometimes looking at the extreme end of issues helps make sense of why there is confusion in the middle. There is a moving scene in the 2018 Australian TV series, Mr Inbetween, where a man whose daughter was murdered many years ago confronts the man who murdered her. He simply says "do you know the pain that you've caused?" and begins to walk away. The murderer struggles as he watches him walk away, and then blurts out, "I'm sorry". It rings hollow exactly because, as sincere as it may be in the moment, there is no way for him to really experience the question - the pain is so enormous and personal that, even if he tried, there would be no way for him to really carry it. The apology is empty because it is empty of any real experience or understanding.