Healing the Inner Child
Inner child healing, reparenting, gentle parenting, soul wounds…we hear these terms thrown around nearly daily by therapists, life coaches, yogis, the cashier at Starbucks…but what does any of it actually mean? Who is the inner child and why does it need reparenting?
The inner child is a subconscious part of you developed through messages and beliefs received in childhood, typically from your primary caretakers or important adult figures. As children, we absorb messages like sponges and learn things about ourselves, others, and the world at large based on these messages. For example, your caregivers may have given you the message that it was okay to assert your body boundaries by consistently respecting your wishes for space or closeness, physical contact or not, and this may now look like being able to readily establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others.
On the flip side, if your caregiver consistently shamed, guilted, or ignored your boundaries, you may have internalized the message that your boundaries and needs were not important or acceptable, and this may now look like boundaryless behavior, people-pleasing, or having difficulty respecting other people’s boundaries. Similarly, if your caregiver yelled at, punished, or left you anytime you had an emotional reaction, you may have internalized the message that certain emotions were not okay to express, or that you were, “bad” or “unlovable” for having certain reactions, and this may now look like a persistent fear of abandonment, people-pleasing behaviors, or a belief that you are, “too much” if you express emotions in your relationships.
If you identify more with the latter two statements, there is a good chance that you have a wounded inner child who internalized negative messages about yourself and others throughout your childhood.
So what do I do?
We often talk about the work of inner child healing, without mentioning the other equally necessary component: reparenting. Reparenting in and of itself is a radical, restorative, and transformative act that allows us to give ourselves the consistent care, love, respect, and discipline that we needed and deserved in childhood, but may not have received from our caretakers. It allows us to look at ourselves with compassion and honesty, recognize our unmet needs, and show up for ourselves. At its core, reparenting is the idea that we as adults have the capacity to become the wise, loving, nurturing parent we needed as children and can meet our unmet childhood emotional and physical needs by parenting our inner child.
In her book, How to Meet Yourself, Dr. Nicole LePera talks about the 4 pillars of reparenting: Loving Discipline, or the rules, limits, and routines that we set for ourselves; Self-Care, or the ways that we take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally; Joy, or how we experience play for the sake of play; and Emotional Regulation, or the ways that we respond to stressful events and the activation of our nervous system. Each of these pillars develops through the messages and lessons that we receive throughout childhood and are often reflected in the ways in which we care for and speak to or about ourselves now. Use the exercise below to assist yourself in beginning to identify your inner child wounds:
Reflect on the ways that you were parented as a child. Learn to identify your wounded inner child by reflecting upon the experiences in childhood that left you feeling criticized, rejected, worthless, bad, or shameful. What did these experiences make you believe about yourself? How were your needs received by your caregivers? How were your emotions reacted to by your parents? How were you disciplined as a child? How were boundaries asserted and respected in your family? How were joy, creativity, and play celebrated within your family? How was relaxation, rest, or time off treated? Are there any similarities to how you were treated and spoken to then, and the ways that you treat and speak to or about yourself now?
After identifying your wounded parts, begin to explore and play around with affirmations aimed at soothing and healing your wounded inner child. What did the younger version of yourself need to hear from your caregivers? Below is a non-exhaustive list of affirmations to help you begin generating personally meaningful ones for yourself:
“My behavior does not reflect my worth as a person.”
“You are allowed to make mistakes. There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.”
“You are a delight to be around. I love spending time with you, exactly as you are.”
“Even though I feel like this, I am okay. I am still worthy of love and respect. My feelings do not determine my worth.”
“I am acceptable and worthy of love and care exactly as I am.”
“All of my feelings are valid. I am allowed to feel this way.”
“I am worthy of love, care, and affection.”
“I am allowed to rest without guilt or shame.”
“My needs are not too much. I am allowed to take up space.”
“I am allowed to ask for what I need. I am worthy of being treated in the ways that I deserve.”
“I give myself permission to pursue the things that bring me joy.”
“My boundaries are worthy of respect and acknowledgment, even when others disagree with them.”
“I grant myself permission to show up imperfectly. My achievements are not reflective of my worth or inherent value.”
Now that you are aware of your inner child wounds and have developed the affirmations to speak to yourself with loving kindness, you can begin to incorporate activities and practices to continue your reparenting journey. Remember, these practices should be meaningful and significant to your inner child. Below is a list of suggested activities that connect to each pillar of reparenting, but you are welcome to generate your own!
Loving Discipline:
Developing new daily routines and rituals (meditation, deep breathing, stretching, or even taking the time in the morning or evening to make your favorite cup of tea)
Holding boundaries (even when they might be uncomfortable)
Disconnecting and spending time alone to attune to your needs
Self-Care:
Journaling
Meditating for a few minutes each day (and giving yourself the compassion and grace to get it wrong)
Allowing your body to rest when it feels tired (this one might also require some emotional regulation skills, particularly if you’re not used to recognizing bodily cues of fatigue)
Nourishing your body when it is hungry (again, this may require some work on emotional regulation skills first to begin to recognize cues of hunger)
Joy:
Listening to music (putting on a song to dance to in the morning before you start work is a great way to incorporate this)
Exploring a new interest or hobby (and reminding yourself that you are allowed to show up imperfectly, messily, or stop if you are not enjoying it)
Spending time in nature
Pursuing creative outlets (art, dance, gardening, cooking, writing, and reading are all examples of creative outlets. What did you enjoy as a child and is there a way to pursue that now?)
Carving out planned time in your week for spontaneity (this one might sound a bit like an oxymoron, but think of it as reparenting yourself to prioritize joy. By setting aside time to have free time, you are honoring your need for joy.)
Emotional Regulation:
Identifying how emotions feel in our body (recognizing the physical cues and bodily sensations)
Witnessing your emotional responses non-judgmentally (labeling your emotions without reacting to the emotion is a great place to start)
Validating your emotional responses
Noticing what triggers your nervous system (are there specific environments, people, or situations that bring up certain emotions more than others?)
Practicing deep breathing when you notice that your nervous system is activated
Attending therapy to have a non-judgmental, safe space to experience your emotions
